New skeptic group

Because there can't be too much support for secret skeptics and the formerly frum.

Exorthodox Jews

Kids change everything

For me, skepticism coincided with having my first child. I never gave this much thought in the past. Not that I thought of it as a coincidence; I just didn't think about it at all. Looking back, however, I can see that impending parenthood definitely affected my journey into skepticism.

As a single or even when married and childless, it's easy to just go with the flow. Once you have kids, though, things can get complicated. Suddenly, there's a person whose safety and wellbeing you're responsible for. You love her, it seems, more than anything else in the world. And, depending on your background and your outlook, you may also be responsible for her "spiritual growth". If she "goes off the derech", it's your fault for not being strict enough/being too strict/ having a TV/ etc. And woe betide you if her sexual preferences are outside the mainstream.

As a parent, when your child bakes out of the cookie cutter mould, essentially you have two choices: accept her for who she is, or disown her. It all comes down to what comes first for you, religion or your children.

Our daughter is a little young for rebellion (apart from not wanting to sleep when we want her to) but given that we planned to have her, we had the discussion beforehand. What would we do if she married out or came out? Once I was pregnant, my vague Khalil Gibran-esque ideas about parenthood crystallized and I knew my own answers: my children would always come before my religion.

I think that many religious parents make this choice and it doesn't automatically lead to skepticism. But it certain circumstances, it can pave the way. Because once you've made that choice and put God second, you've already made a pretty big statement, whether you meant to or not. Once God's not first on the list, it's easier for him to tumble further down the ladder. And that's what happened for me.

One year on

Hi to anyone who is still reading (or still has us in RSS)!

I know most of you are wishing that TO would write a new edition of his parsha commentary, but in the meantime you'll have to settle with me. It's been just over a year since I started this blog and I figured it was time to reflect a little. I've come a long way since then. When I look at my old posts, it seems to me like I was clutching at straws, desperately trying to hold onto my belief that Judaism was right. In the scheme of things, it didn't take long for me to make the move to atheism. But when I think about it, in some ways I was always in that camp anyway...

So often I would end up in a conversation and find myself on the non-believers' side. I like to think that part of me knew all along that science has a lot more going for it than religion. I compartmentalized, certainly, and never really thought about whether the Jewish creation myth really happened, but doing a biology major definitely convinced me that evolution did.

I credit my parents for bringing me up, or allowing me to develop, an open mind. I never fooled myself into thinking that secular Jews were secular because they were evil. I always understood that if a Jew doesn't practice, it's because they don't believe, not because they're lazy or rebelling against God. And I never held that against them. I guess it was tinok shenishba extended a little more liberally than usual.

While I accepted Judaism as a whole, the Jewish values that were most important to me still are now. I have always been liberal and I guess I interpreted concepts in Judaism to suit: in Judaism I saw (and still see) social justice, honesty, environmentalism, and others.

I still don't know if I'll stay connected to Judaism at all. Part of me wants to draw out the good and keep a hold of it. The other part wants to leave it all behind. In some way, it hurts too much to stay in it. But I don't feel like I need to plan for that. We are gradually moving away in any case and can just see where we end up (literally and figuratively). Whatever feels right.

Parshas Korach

Korach: Moses, I have decided to challenge your leadership. For simply asking why you get to be the leader I may eventually be made into a major villian in the midrash and rabbinic literature, but anyway we want elections or something.
Moses: Look this isnt a democracy. We settle this the old fashioned way. With pans. God has already given you Levites a sweet life. You dont have to get a real job, and you get to live off the donations of the rest of the people while you ostensibly perform some vital spiritual service. In the future, this will be known as "Kollel".
God: Can I annihilate them? Please can I annihilate them? Come on, I wanna kill someone today!!!
Moses: Remember we talked about your anger issues? Youve got to control that temper.
God: Thank you once again. You would think that being God I wouldnt need your advice and/or it wouldnt be able to sway me, but you are seriously better than Dr. Phil. Im going to miss you when we enter the land and you're not around...
Moses: Wha...?
God: Did I say that? just kidding...he..he...(phew).
Moses: Dathan & Aviram, you guys are so evil that you definitely deserve to die...and even though i have the influence to sway God, I have no moral objection your wives, children and even young babies dying too.
God: Yes! I knew I got up today for a reason.
Dathan & Aviram: Oh no! The ground is opening and swallowing us along with our households and possesions!!!
God: OK, rebels...you want fire in those pans? you want fire? heres some fire...(burns them)
I crack me up. This day is just getting better.
Moses: This incident has shown me that we need a more transparent and open system of God choosing who he desires. So we will leave a bunch of staffs in a place only I have access to and see what happens to them. I will go in and bring them out and that will prove beyond doubt that I am not rigging this. (Staffs grow almonds) Looks like Aarons family will be the priests and our family will all be Levites. Incidentally, God has just told me that you all have to give lots of money and donations to the Priests and Levites.

Parsha In brief: Shlach

Hello everybody,
Due to the constraints of modern life, and the fact that we live among the many perversions of western society, many of us do not have the time to learn as much Torah as we should as we are busy pursuing materialistic things. To try and help you, and hasten the coming of Moshiach Tizdkenu Bimhera Beyamenu, I am providing what i hope will be the first in a series of brief parsha summaries - with all the boring stuff taken out.

This week: Shlach

Spies: We will never be able to successfully enter the land of Canaan
Jews: OMG! God has brought us here to kill us in the desert. We were better off in Egypt. Let us try and kill Moses & Aaron.
God: OK, now I am going to kill you all in the desert.
Jews: OK, we are contrite and have learnt our lesson. We are now ready and willing to enter the land and fight, which is what you originally wanted anyway.
God: Yes, but now its half a day too late. So instead, even though you have gotten the message , I will kill you all in the desert - due to my delicious sense of irony, you will wander 1 year for every 1 day the spies spent in Canaan.
Jews: Yesterday when we suspected that God had brought us here to die in the desert we rioted, now that we have been assured that our entire generation is going to die in the desert, we are kind of OK with it.
Joshua & Caleb: Sweeeeeet.

Meanwhile, in a secret location, somewhere in the desert:

God: I have had it up to here with these people. How about I get rid of them and make you a great nation?
Moses: Have you considered what that will do for your image? I mean, do you want the Egyptians to think you are a sissy?
God: Good point. I hadn't thought of that angle. Fortunately, even though I am omnipotent and all knowing, and no human is capable of possible comprehending my thoughts, you have managed to talk sense into me once again.

Skeptic at a shiur

I got dragged to a shiur last night. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The teacher was fairly engaging and actually managed to hold my attention through his public speaking skills (it definitely wasn't the subject material). The shiur was on hilchot Shabbat. It was interesting to be there as an outsider. Sometimes I think I should become an anthropologist. Anyway, a few things struck me during the course of the shiur.

1. At some point he made a casual mention of the death penalty for violating Shabbat. No one else even blinked, but to me now, it is unbelievably abhorrent to stone someone to death for anything, but particularly for something as benign as weaving a basket. It's sickening, but the thing that really struck me was that no one questioned that the ideal state of being for the Jewish people is one where that would happen. All these Jews longing for Mashiach -- do they ever think of how cruel that era could be? Of course, they say that the death penalty was rare in the times of the Beit Hamikdash, but that it even existed in principle is bad enough for me.
2. He admitted that there are some key definitions not given (e.g., for grinding, what tools may/may not be used; how small is grinding, and what may/may not be ground). He claimed that the answers to these questions were arrived at logically by the rabbis but it seems to me to be anything but. For some reason, non-food items and vegetables and fruit can't be ground, but other food items can be. How on earth did they come up with this one? It just seems very random.
   
3. He was talking about why a knife may be used on Shabbat, but a grater may not. His explanation, that a grater is designed to cut things too small, doesn't wash with me. It all seems like part of the plot to keep women in the kitchen for longer. Especially when he said, "I don't have to worry about this, but you do" (it was a women's shiur). Jeeeez, what century are we in here?
   

Oh, god, not again...

In the past few months I've faced some tough decisions. I know I'll be faced with more. But at the end of the day, I find the randomness of a godless existence much less troubling than the alternative. TO and I have survived several family tragedies together. At the time, as believers, we really had to fight feelings of guilt. Maybe we didn't pray hard enough. Maybe our mezuzot were pasul. Etc, etc. Now, looking back, I feel free of that. My actions had no bearing on these events, and neither did my husband's. So even though I may at times feel rudderless, bad things that happen to me are either due to my own mistakes or chance. Not the vengeance of a temperamental, cruel god. So too with evil on a greater scale, from wars to natural disasters.

I think that the concept of "tzadik v'ra lo" is one of the main things that makes me glad to be a skeptic. I never minded keeping most of the laws -- while I believed, the sacrifice was not too great. But now, I've judged God more harshly than I did in the past. Bottom line is, if this is what God is like, I don't believe in Him. So why should I listen to him?

Of course, there are other proofs that point to there being no god, and specifically that the Jewish god does not exist. But I don't feel the need to go into them right now. There isn't much concrete evidence, and there are logical proofs for and against. I don't have any really interesting reasons to be an atheist. But I think it's interesting that, less than two years after my first skeptical thought, I pretty much am one. And that it's so liberating. It really wipes so much of the guilt. It doesn't automatically point to hedonism. I'm much too busy for that. But it makes life simpler overall, and that's good for me.